Letters to the Editor: Election Results Disputed

Editor’s Note: Full transcripts of the pre-election debate are available here: Part 1 and Part 2.

I hereby notify you that I contest your counting of the ballots of the Signal Party versus the Toy Party. Here are some facts:

According to your own admission, there were 123 people at the dinner, and you counted 108 votes. The 15 votes that you did not count were obviously cast for me, which makes my count 46 + 15 =  61. My son-in-law voted absentee which you did not count. He officially registered and was part of the meeting. That makes my votes 62, equal to the Toy Party. If you add my own vote, I am a clear winner.

(I will not bring up the fact that you unfairly did not allow my two grandsons to vote. You cannot use the excuse that they could not write. My daughter could have filled the ballots for them. )

Even if you don’t count my vote, Tom Hunter was the only legitimate vice president at the meeting. According to the rules, the  VP casts the final vote when votes are equal. He votes for me! You can ask him directly if you don’t believe me.

Your process was not fair:

• My investigation reveals that many voters had “hanging chads,” some from Florida;
• many people voted twice for Greg
• some dead people voted (I can name them if you want!)
• You even counted votes of Canadians!
• The main moderator (Richard) was bribed by Greg! I have photo of Greg buying Coke for Richard and giving him a free Garmin for his car. I copy to Richard and Greg to admit their guilt! Otherwise I will publish the photo of Richard drinking Coke.
• I may also find your photo drinking Coke.

This is a serious national security concern. I will bring it up at next year’s meeting and am ready to take it all the way to the Supreme Court if you don’t count the votes fairly!

There are lots of questions to be answered to the court: Who had custody of the ballots before, during, and after the count? Who were the people who participated in counting the ballots, and what were their qualifications?

The fact is that the Signal Party won. I demand a re-count!

— Javad Ashjaee

Once again, I can only express my deepest disappointment that my colleague would feel the need to drag such a clear outcome through the mud and unnecessary contortion of the legal arena. We all know that does not serve either of our constituencies, but simply enriches the lawyers. I would have expected Mr. Ashjaee to be one of the people who most clearly understood that the will of the people is not subject to the random decision-

making of the judicial branch. However, as a concilitory gesture to move our great industry forward, I would offer Mr. Ashjaee a seat in the new cabinet as Minister of Accuracy in the Satellite Party government.  

— President-elect Greg Turetzky

Editor’s Note: The parties have entered out-of-court discussion to which the magazine is not privy, nor will it entertain any further disputation. Election results stand as announced. However, in the interest of full public disclosure, we wish to allay Minister Ashjaee’s concerns about the identities and qualifications of the ballot guardians and counters.